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Part I
Excerpts from an original
writing by a patient who participated in a Family Matrix workshop and
wrote about his personal religious beliefs as they seemed to parallel
the tenets of Family Matrix Therapy.
The beliefs and opinions
expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of any staff member at
the Healing Arts Center, and are presented here as one person’s
reflections on his experience.
During and after the
"Healing the Family" April, 1999 workshop at the Healing Arts
Center, I had some insight about the dynamics of the generational
disorders and the dysfunctional family. Let me share some of these
insights. What surprised me most was that everything the facilitators
talked about, in one way for another, is all Biblical and can be found
in the Bible. The difference is terminology; the facilitators use
different words to mean the same thing in the Bible.
First let me explain in
the words of the Healing Arts Center what this workshop is all about:
"Ever notice how ill
health, depression, alcoholism, childhood traumas, bad luck and
various other misfortunes appear to get transferred from GENERATION to
GENERATION? Why is this? What can we do about it? How can we stop
it?"
This dynamic workshop
uncovers the hidden complexities that keep family cycles going. As
children we often unconsciously take on our parent’s traits out of
loyalty. Accepting such a role keeps us from leading our own lives or
following our own path eventually leading to dissatisfaction and
unfulfilled lives.
Family Constellation work
untangles the webs of our families allowing us to clarify patterns. The
process involves asking a participant to select surrogate family members
from people attending the workshop, and arrange them into an order
according to what feels right for the participant. This arrangement
creates a constellation of their family system. The constellation
provides amazing insights into the hidden workings of the family’s
order. Simply seeing and understanding the family’s order can provide
a powerful healing experience. Next, a facilitator will assist to
restore the family order and balance. Moving surrogates to a new
location, providing healing words, and validating the importance of each
family member can restore order. Once the natural order is restored,
love, compassion, respect and honor can flow freely to all members in
the family.
Part II
Experiencing "Healing
the Family"
In April, 1999, Wilma and I
attended the "Healing the Family" Workshop. The pain and
problems of growing old have their roots in childhood and are passed on
from parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and other relatives in
the form of generational sin or weaknesses. But don’t forget, there
are also many generational strengths.
What I witnessed were
individuals attending the workshop who chose other participants to
represent their family members. placing them in relationship to each
other. The energy created among the participants created a force-field
(spiritual force-field) in which each representative soon starts to
think and feel like the person they represent. This allows the patient
to communicate with these persons. I was impressed with the sensitivity
of the facilitator as she instructed those of us who were participants
to respond to her questions NOT from the mind or intellect, but from the
heart - our feelings. The source of the power (spirit) comes from the
heart and connects with the power flowing in the group. I recognized
that the heart is the source of a person’s spirit and connects that
person’s spirit to the spirit of God. The group power flow connects
the participants by the spiritual power of God.
What I witnessed in the
various groups or constellations of dysfunctional families, when they
were re-connected in a functional setting, it resulted in deep insights
of the dynamics of the family structure through several generations...
dynamics of family structure that affect a person from the past right up
to the present and into the future of their children.
For me, the big thing I
saw in the constellation, started when the patient tells troubling
aspects of their family and they place the family members in a circle as
they had experienced living with them. The result of the setup is a
dysfunctional family with many fractures and displaced people torn apart
or disrupted in a lack of family unity. When the facilitator brings the
family unit back into a proper functional family structure, the patient
feels better and at ease with the structure and sees (for the first
time) how it could have been. Why is this?
In a functional family
setting, the father is head of the family and through him, God’s power
(spirit) flows to all members of the family. This gives God a chance to
influence the family, even if they are not aware of His presence
(power). In a dysfunctional arrangement, God’s power is
short-circuited and other forces come into play that disrupt the family
structure and tear it apart. This could be the influence of the
adversary, the author of lies, false hoods, twisted thinking and so
forth.
The things that were said
about the "constellation" family units and their connection
with the "universe" are all Biblical in nature. The only
difference is the terminology - the words were changed. Let me give you
some examples:
1 . Troubles that go back from father and mother,
to the grandparents and great-grandparents is the same as generational
sin or weaknesses, as well as generational strengths. ("God is
slow to anger, rich in grace, forgiving offenses and crimes; yet not
exonerating the guilt, but causing this negative effects of the
parents’ offenses to be experienced by their children and even by
the third and fourth generations. Please! Forgive the offenses of this
people according to the greatness of your grace..." (Num. 14:18.
Also check out Exodus 34:7 and 20:5)
2. Use the source of feelings from the heart and
not the intellect or mind. The heart is the source of your spirit, the
indwelling spirit of God.
3. The power flows within the group and connects
the individual participants. This reference to the power, is the spirit
mentioned in item 2. Once a family is properly connected, the power of
God’s spirit flows through the father of the family and heals the
dysfunctional family.
4. The connecting of the participants by "the
power" connects us with the "universe." Yes, God’s
spirit, which is our power source, connects us with the "Body of
God". The concept of the "universe" is a physical
concept, whereas the Body of God is a spiritual concept.
5. All of this really connected with me in a big
way when I was a participant in another person’s constellation. The
patient had real problems resulting from her parents, brother and
sister, and her grandmother. The facilitator arranged us in a more
functional family setting. The patient faced the family group. I was
first representing her father, next to me was another lady representing
her mother, followed by her brother and sister. In back of her mother
was grandmother. An emotional patient confronted me as her father and
asked why didn’t I protect her from grandmother. She confronted her
mother with the same question, why she did not protect her from
grandmother. The patient was very upset with grandmother and couldn’t
confront her, nor could she forgive her and asked that she be removed
from the circle. After further confrontations with her sister and
brother, grandmother was brought back and placed in her position behind
mother. Then the facilitator did something unusual, she called up
another lady to participate as great-grandmother. She stood in back of
grandmother. So there we were, the immediate family lined up in front of
the patient and in back of the family were two past generations of
family members. Then the facilitator said to the patient (something like
this), "now you can see the past generations of hurt and pain
coming forward to your present family." For me, this was a HUGE
REVELATION. I had never seen such a dramatic illustration of
GENERATIONAL SIN being handed down from one generation to another. There
I was in the middle of this dysfunctional family setup, looking not only
at the patient’s family setup, but seeing my own dysfunctional family
structure.
What is the purpose of
all this? Is it to discover family disorders, disturbances and
disruption? These disturbances create a legacy that must be reckoned
with for generations to come. These deeply embedded forces in the family
system can be harnessed for healing once they are acknowledged,
respected and gently redirected.
If my grandparents could
take responsibility for the damage they did to my father, and hence to
me, some of the generational sin/weaknesses could be cleared up. Add to
this my mother’s side of the family and the generational sin carried
over from her parents and grandparents - WOW! What a mixed up family
situation.
Do you see what I see? I
see layers upon layers of generational pain, sin, weaknesses, faults and
all sorts of things layered up in my soul effecting my way of
thinking, the way I act and react to just about everything in my life.
Turning around to face my immediate family, these layers extend outward
from me and my wife (and her side of the family) to our children and
their children. These deeply embedded forces effect all our children and
now they face these problems to be harnessed for healing.
Let me try to set up part
of my family structure:
Mother - Very strong willed and determined. She
dominated my childhood. Her word was law. What she decided I should
do, I did. She taught me many good things and values, but I felt
smothered and controlled.
Father - Quiet, subdued, stayed in the background, off
by himself. I did not feel close to him, mother smothered me with her
attention when she should have given it to Dad. Dad accepted his
back-seat role in the family.
Myself - Mother told me not to be like my father, he
was a weak person. Resulted in an inferior complex. I became a back-
seat person.
Dad’s family - His father died when he was very young, an only
child, he was left alone with his mother and her sister . (She never
remarried.) He was dominated by his mother. No father image.
Mother’s family - Oldest of four sisters and two brothers. Her
father molested her as a child and he was estranged from the family. She
disliked and distrusted men. Being the oldest child, she had the
responsibility of helping her mother raise the family.
My family setup - Let the center of a circle represent the center
of the family setup. I would place my father off to one side of the
center, half facing the center (off set). Mother’s place is in the
center. I am placed next to her, slightly in back of her.
Dad feels pushed off to
one side. Mother is in control of the family and of me. She gives most
of her attention to me and leaves him on the fringe of our family life.
Mother feels her whole life is dedicated to raising me to be the man she
wants me to be (not like my father). I feel smothered by her. Mother
must be right, but I want more out of life.
Behind my father is his
mother (my grandmother). Father never knew his father and his mother
raised him, dominated by her and her sister. He is quiet and submissive.
Next to grandmother is her husband. Dad never knew him. I never knew
him. If he were here, perhaps he would apologize to his son for not
being here to be the father he needed.
Now do you see the layer,
upon layer of generational weaknesses? Suddenly I was faced with the
awareness of who I am, a product of a father dominated by his mother and
later by his wife (my mother), as well as a mother whose strong will to
direct my life combined to make me who I am today. What I saw I didn’t
like. Now comes the healing. I’m ready for the next step.
Part III
HEALING
In view of this whole
experience, two things emerged that have a profound effect on me. Let me
try to explain.
For the first time I saw
my father’s side of the family and felt a bond with him that wasn’t
there before. In Bert Hellinger’s book, "Love’s Hidden
Symmetry," he explains that a boy growing up first bonds with his
mother and as he gets older he should shift from mother to father as a
model for becoming an adult. (The opposite is true for girls.) By the
way, Bert Hellinger might be called the "father" of the family
matrix and pioneered the "constellation" technique.
I realized that I had
never bonded with my father. I never had a chance. Now I am 70 years
old, and I have spiritually bonded with my father. I have placed him in
his rightful position as the head of my family, and it feels very good.
I have a father figure at last. Mother is in her rightful position next
to Dad, and I can give both of them my love (in my heart). My father (in
my heart) feels connected to the Father of us all - Father God. I feel
connected, and it is a great feeling.
But it goes deeper than
this. Let me quote Exodus 34:7...
...God, merciful and
compassionate, slow to anger, rich in grace and truth, showing grace
to the thousandth generation, forgiving offenses, crimes and sins; yet
not exonerating the guilty, but causing the negative effects of the
parents offenses to be experienced by their children and
grandchildren, and even by the third and fourth generations...
Think of it... God shows
His grace and truth to the thousandth generation. What a family
connection, spreading out from generation to generation to generation to
generation, like a huge spider web, a family tree that becomes the
connecting links of the BODY OF GOD. For the first time I really
understood and felt connected to the Body of God, extending to my
children and grandchildren... to my parents, grandparents, relatives,
friends, and people like you and me. We’re all family!
Do you see what I see? When God told Abraham his descendants were like
the number of stars in the heavens, that makes us all family. We are
standing at the door to begin the millennium, the return of the Messiah.
Christ Jesus died for our sins - which are passed on to the third and
fourth generations. He will return to clean up and put right the family
tree of the Body of God. He will rip out the evil, the corruption, the
pain that we have been stuck with since the Fall.
That is what it means to
me to put my father in his proper place at the head of my family.
Since I completed
reading "Love’s Hidden Symmetry" by Bert Hellinger, I
discovered several new insights to my "family" background. Let
me list a few.
"Hellinger
describes a possibility of looking at our parents so that we can see
them in the context of their faith. We see their failures, we see
their suffering and disappointments, we trust them to deal with their
fate as best they can, and we remember our own position as children in
the family hierarchy. Beyond that, we see past them to the larger
mystery of life that flows to us through them." Love’s Hidden
Symmetry, p. 106
To see past them to the
larger mystery of life that flows to us through them, that is similar to
the vision I saw at the workshop, looking past and seeing the flow to me
through my parents, grandparents and beyond them and also forward to my
children. To see it expand from one generation to another over long
periods of time, perhaps all the way back for a "thousand
generations," combined with failures, suffering, disappointments
and in hidden ways effects our lives today and into future generations.
"In deviating from
one parent’s values, a child is generally following the value system
of the other parent. For this reason, disobedience to one parent is
often a kind of loyalty and obedience to the other. If children get
the direct or indirect message from one parent, "Don’t become
like your father (or mother)," then their loyalty demands of them
that they become like the forbidden parent." Love’s Hidden
Symmetry, p. 112
This struck home to me in
a big way, especially when my mother told me as a child, "Do not
grow up to be like your father." I see it now. I grew up to honor a
bond with my father and I secretly emulated my dad, holding to him in a
strange (different) way. When I just recently placed my father in the
"center" of my family matrix, I broke this older bond with
him.
"Just as
holding on to the past can limit freedom, so, too, can trying to
control the future. We can intuitively sense how the larger systemic
orders function, but the resolutions are often surprising and
different from what we contrive or wish. For this reason, as members
of families, we delude ourselves when we think that we can determine
the course of fate. No matter what we may believe to the contrary, we
must submit to the future as it comes, for although we sometimes can
influence it, we cannot determine it." Love’s Hidden
Symmetry, p. 159
This is so very true.
Mother tried to control my future, but she couldn’t. I have found that
when I go as far as I can with something (like the matrix), I turn it
over to God and He takes me on an adventure of discovery and my course
is set by His hand in my life.
"The question is,
‘Which memory has the person chosen, and to what purpose?’
Memories are often selected in the service of maintaining the victims
position or a problem... Think about everything that average parents
do for their children for 20 years or so. Then compare them with the
memories that clients bring into therapy. Mostly they choose the five
or six really negative experiences they have had, and forget the rest.
When there was a trauma, the most important thing is usually forgotten
- that the individual survived. That’s not often considered at all.
One client remembered that his mother wanted to jump off a balcony
carrying him in her arms. He remembered her sobbing and wanting to
jump, but he forgot that she turned back and didn’t do it."
Love’s Hidden Symmetry, p. 235
I found myself a victim
of concentrating on negative experiences as I grew up and when I put
aside my mother’s negative influence in my life and looked at her
positive input, I felt much better. Yes, these negative memories were
the mental armor to maintain a position to prevent change and to keep me
from seeing my flaws.
Bill Weaver
Colville, WA
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